So I work a retail job on top of many other jobs, and these two girls were in and out of my store at least 8 times. Which is sketchy and pretty much a give away that they were quite obviously stealing things, I’d see them stick their hands in their pockets or in their bags, but I was the only person at work today so I couldn’t stop checking people out in order to confront them…..which im sure they noticed.

Fast forward a few hours when they finally come back in, they had decided to purchase something to seem less suspicious. A 4$ pair of pearl earrings. At this point there is no one else in the store so I think Game On.

While they were scanning the shelves for anything else they might want, I’m looking at their pockets. I can clearly see the small ring through the fabric that they swiped earlier, the outline of tags shoved in their back pockets, amateurs.

Now for those of you that don’t know, I was stranded in Ireland for about a month with little to no money when I was a teenager and had to resort to being shady to get by till my cousin got me a ticket home. 

Long story short, I am an excellent pick pocket. But I only use my powers for good instead of evil now. 

So I followed them around the store pretending to bump into them as I put items back on the shelves, I stole NOT ONLY the product that they took, but everything in their back pockets. Now before you wag your finger at me just hold on a minute. They come to the register to get the one item they decided to pay for, and I’m smiling the whole time.

 I tell them they price and then…I wait. 

The one girl frantically patted her pockets, clearly confused and she looked at the other girl to ask “Where’s my money at?”  This girl is clearly upset at this point and I suggested “Oh hey maybe you dropped it?” in the most sincere retail voice I can force my vocal cords to produce. Her and her friend drop to their knees and start searching for it. I let them continue like that for 10 minutes before I tell them that I had found it earlier and forgotten. 

“You really should be careful the more you have in your pockets the easier it is for your money to fall out :)))))” I say, the statement unnerved them, they didn’t know if i KNEW or not. But they awkwardly shook it off with a laugh and I start to ring up the earrings again. BUT THIS TIME, I reach over the counter and start to ring up the items I had taken from their pockets. I dropped the tags on the counter and the merchandise hit the table hard, just like these girls mouths hit the floor. 

You should have seen their faces it looked like someone had sucked the very essence right from their bodies. “Oh no she did not.” The one girl whispered as she checked her pockets yet again. Yes, Yes I did 🙂 i’m beaming, their reaction added ten years to my lifespan. They apologize, laughing it off like it was a funny joke. But I’m not done yet.This time I look them dead in the eyes and go “Would you like me to ring out whats in your bags too before security gets here?” 

Shock, pure dismay and anguish come over them, they look at each other. Each of them looks at me like I have personally came and shot their dogs. I AM LIVING, I’m reveling in the situation. Slowly, they lift their bags and dump out more products than Mary Poppins could shove in her bottomless purse. I start ringing it all up. They look horrified. A total of 400$ worth of items. I hold the fate of these girls in my hands and they know it. Over 200$ is a felony larceny charge. But I think they have suffered enough and jail is not fun so I present the ultimatum. 

“You buy it all and I’ll let you go.” 

and that is how I made all my sales goals and fucked with some shoplifters. 

Holy shit ur my idol, that was so beautiful I might cry

I feel like this deserves a long slow clap that ends in proud tears

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