You know, it isn’t just that the stuff they order us to pay attention to in school is boring. It’s that most of it is trivial.

When I was, oh, around nine, one of the main things on my mind was sharks and the, as I then believed, exceedingly high chance that all of us would be eaten by them. Plane crashes and large dogs also loomed large in my thoughts.

My teachers spent zero time addressing what to do about angry dogs, hungry sharks or crashing planes.

How was I supposed to pay attention to shit like fractions when my life was in peril from all the dogs and sharks and stuff all over the place?

Me: (at fast food drivethrough) And a packet of salt please.
Person in car with me: They put salt on the fries.
Me: Oh thank GOODNESS you told me that i have NEVER ordered fries at a fast food joint before and had NO IDEA i didn’t ask for a salt packet because i often want more salt than they put on it AT ALL THANK GOODNESS YOU EXPLAINED THINGS TO ME

I’m browsing around on Youtube and I saw a video with a title like, “Foods You Should Avoid If You Have Anxiety Or Depression”.

I didn’t watch the video, because I already know the answer is “foods mosellegreen likes and eats on a regular basis”.

I deeply, deeply resent having to watch a commercial before Fandango will let me watch a movie preview. Why should I have to endure a commercial before I can watch ANOTHER commercial?!?

I swear I will choke the next bitch who says this to me.

Me at 21, with a job, a spouse and a mortgage: I’m 21.
30-year-old co-worker: You’re just a baby! *proceeds to brag about how much management experience she has, greatly impressing me with her maturity*
Me at 30: I’m 30.
The 40something-year-old Woman I’m On A Date With: Oh, you’re still a baby.
Me: …And you’re on a date with me. What does that say about you?
Me at 47, post-menopause: I’m middle-aged.
My aunt, who is my mother’s age: You’re a KID!
Me in 2060: I’m 90.
Fellow nursing home occupant who is 95: You’re an infant!


i get so offended when my body decides we’re gonna get sick like i fed you a VEGETABLE last week how DARE you betray me like this. ungrateful