THE AVENGERS
The Abridged Script
By Rod and James M.
This script was featured on Cracked.com, so you can also read it there.
FADE IN:
EXT. INTERGALACTIC COSMIC HOLLYWOOD BASEMENT
SHADOWY ALIEN FIGURES in IMPLAUSIBLE OUTFITS are talking to each other OMINOUSLY.
SHADOWY FIGURE
You must invade Earth for us, Probably Tom
Hiddleston. It’s getting pretty cramped here in my mother’s b- I mean,
the vastness of galactic space. We’ll give you an army of reptilian
things and a stick that does whatever you need it to do at that exact
given moment.PROBABLY TOM HIDDLESTON
A lizard army and free sinister new tools? Geez, I should fall into never-ending chasms more often.
Everyone in the AUDIENCE tries as hard as possible to ignore how similar this opening scene is to GREEN LANTERN.
EXT. TOP SECRET UNDERGROUND FACILITY
CLARK GREGG immediately establishes his mid-level badassery by WEARING SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF*****G JACKSON arrives, immediately
establishes his high-level badassery by WEARING A TRENCHCOAT AND
EYEPATCH SIMULTANEOUSLY, and walks briskly next to COBIE SMULDERS.SAMUEL L. MOTHERF******G JACKSON
I just got off the phone with the president, care to
tell me how I should explain to him that our top secret military
thing-that-we-found turned itself on all by itself, itself!?COBIE SMULDERS
Wait, did we get a Michael Bay script by accident? Is there an asteroid headed for Earth?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF****NG JACKSON
Nah, that’s just writer/director Joss Whedon
dialogue. Funny when it’s trying to be funny, hilarious when it’s trying
to be serious.They investigate their MYSTERIOUS BLUE CUBE, which decides to start shooting RANDOM CGI WISPS EVERYWHERE at that exact moment.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFU****G JACKSON
Where the hell is Jeremy Renner? If an archery target comes out of that thing, I want to be ready.
COBIE SMULDERS
Oh, he’s up in his NEST, you know how he hates to be CAGED. Just CRANE your neck up, see?
(pause)
The guy didn’t get his own movie, alright? This is the best we can do.
AUDIENCE
… …
JEREMY comes down off his PERCH to talk to COBIE, SAMUEL, and STELLAN SKARSGARD.
JEREMY RENNER
As the only person unqualified to make this
observation, I’d like to point out that the cube is a door, and doors
open both ways, except for the kinds of doors that only open one way.SUDDENLY, TOM HIDDLESTON emerges from a PORTAL carrying his MAGIC STICK.
AUDIENCE
*starts fangirling*
TOM HIDDLESTON
Muahaha, bow before me, puny man-animals! I am Loki, wearer of impossibly ridiculous(Yet f******g sexy) helmets!
TOM quickly WRECKS EVERYONE’S SHIT in a frantic effort
to prove that he will later be a match for FOUR WALKING SUPER WEAPONS despite wearing 30lbs of metal costume which makes you impossible to move let alone fight.TOM HIDDLESTON
Let’s see – who should I brainwash? Film convention
assures me that the scientist with the foreign accent will be useful for
tech bullshit, and Jeremy Renner has heart, which should be useful
for… heart-related villainy.TOM takes the BLUE CUBE, uses his SCEPTRE to enslave JEREMY and STELLAN, then ESCAPES!
COBIE SMULDERS
So we open with the bad guy from “Thor” stealing the
device from “Captain America” from the mysterious government agents
from “Iron Man 2”, eh?SAMUEL L. MOTHERF****NG JACKSON
It’s better than the original idea, just opening with a title card saying “if you didn’t watch our other movies, f**k you.”
INT. TOP SECRET RUSSIAN CRIME HIDEOUT
SCARLETT JOHANSSON is tied up, being interrogated by RANDOM RUSSIAN DUDES.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Am I tied to this chair so that I can’t strike a self-aware, sexy pose every four seconds? Because it won’t work.
SCARLETT escapes the chair and beats everyone up while being ATTRACTIVE.
RANDOM RUSSIAN BAD GUY
Did you just punch me with your hair?
(dies)
AUDIENCE
… …
CLARK GREGG
(on phone)
Agent Johansson, we have a situation. A
nigh-invulnerable ALIEN has attacked our world, and he stole a blue
MacGuffin and… a foreign scientist.SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Oh my God. The foreign scientist will do tech bullsh*t to the cube and destroy everything!
CLARK GREGG
Don’t worry, we’ve sent a guy on 1940s steroids with
a buckler shield to bring him in. Just in case that fails, though, we
need you to bring in Mark Ruffalo. He’s the new Hulk because apparently
Edward Norton is a detestable cu*t to work with.SCARLETT JOHANSSON
What about you, Agent Gregg?
CLARK GREGG
I’m off to get Robert Downey Jr. My bland everyman
persona makes me the perfect candidate for recruiting a smug, self-aware
alcoholic diva.SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Then I’ll get right on it. Just as soon as I change
into a slightly tighter leather outfit, this one doesn’t quite show the
outline of my sphincter.EXT. INDIA
SCARLETT tracks down MARK RUFFALO effortlessly,
demolishing the plot of the last movie with a throwaway crack about
always knowing where he is.SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Mark, we need you to join The Avengers initiative. It’s based off Mark Millar’s “The Ultimates” comic book series.
MARK RUFFALO
Oh, so it has husband-and-wife heroes Wasp and Giant
Man, where Giant Man beats the shit out of his wife and attacks her
using an army of ants?SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Well, no…
MARK RUFFALO
Okay, but I assume brother-and-sister duo
Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch show up for about 10 seconds to subtly
imply they are fucking, right?SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Er, no. Jesus, no.
MARK RUFFALO
Oh. So just the part about Nick Fury being a black guy?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Yes!
INT. FANCY PARTY – GERMANY
TOM HIDDLESTON shows up and uses his ASGARDIAN EYE
STRUCTURE HOLOGRAPHIC DEVICE SPECIFICALLY FOR EYES to break into a place
and get some UNOBTANIUM.TOM HIDDLESTON
Bow before me! I may be a prince, but I have incredibly
low self-esteem(Or anaconda) and I require the service of beings I claim to be as
insignificant as ants! Now I shall illustrate my power by murdering the
weakest, oldest man here!Suddenly, CHRIS EVANS shows up and STOPS HIM.
CHRIS EVANS
Tom, your behavior tonight is worthy of a dryly-delivered, understated quip!
TOM HIDDLESTON
Where the hell did you come from? You clearly didn’t
parachute in, and I would have heard a jet above me. Whatever, do you
really think you can stop me?CHRIS EVANS
Stop you? I just want to stand next to someone
wearing a more ridiculous outfit than me. I’m pretty sure I’m in a blue
spandex hoodie.They FIGHT for a while and CHRIS gets PUMMELED,
quickly establishing his worthiness as LEADER, just before he is rescued
by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Hey, I heard you guys were trying to trade humorous
barbs. Whedon saved all those for me, knock it off. Chris, you look like
a big blue penis, har har! Also I’m a b****y diva.The HEROES decide to bring TOM HIDDLESTON back to
their BASE, because apparently DUE PROCESS applies to SUPERHUMAN as
well. Suddenly, CHRIS HEMSWORTH shows up and chastises TOM.CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I have come to stop you, brah!
(pause)
Er, I mean, do I look to be in a gaming mood? Betwixt! Verily!
TOM HIDDLESTON
Brother, it must have taken every ounce of the All-father’s hurberble to plugurble you back to Earth. Let’s discuss it no more.
Suddenly, HEMSWORTH, EVANS, and ROBERT look around and notice it’s their first on-screen appearance together.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Quick, someone think of a super contrived reason for us to fight!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I’ll fight you because you want to fight your brother, who I also want to fight!
CHRIS EVANS
And I’ll fight you both because I want you to stop fighting!
They proceed to act out their STATS from THE AVENGERS
COLLECTIBLE TRADING CARD GAME and establish they are all EXACTLY EQUAL
IN POWER, somehow. Guy on steroids, genius in a robot suit, blonde superman: basically identical.CHRIS EVANS
****Hang on a second, your hammer has decimated
everything you’ve ever hit with it, you had no way of knowing my shield
or Robert’s armor would protect us. Did you just attempt to straight-up
murder us? Don’t change the scene, I want an answer to thi–****AUDIENCE
Yeah us too!!!
MARVEL
Shows scarlet’s boobs.
INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. AIR BASE
EVANS, HEMSWORTH, DOWNEY, RUFFALO, JOHANSSON, and
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFU***NG JACKSON bring TOM HIDDLESTON aboard and lock him
in a TUBE.COBIE SMULDERS
Welcome to our new operations center in the sky.
Because when dealing with alien technology you don’t understand, the
only place to be when it malfunctions that’s better than miles below
ground is miles above it!CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Bad ass home base guys, I like that the thing that
your aircraft land on is also aircraft, you ever consider giving your
pilots jetpacks too?SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Listen, we need to get Jeremy Renner back, I
guarantee everyone watching is all like “awww man, where’s Hawkeye? He’s
my favorite!”AUDIENCE
Not actually.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Unfortunately, we’re unable to make progress because we all instantly hate each other for no particular reason!
CHRIS EVANS
And I seem to hate you most of all, annoyed that
you’re so arrogant despite being just a regular man with a powerful
suit, ignoring the irony that my powers came out of a syringe and my
only weapon was made by your father.AUDIENCE
Also giving people ridiculous nick name.
MARK RUFFALO
Wow, you guys are all really unlikeable dicks. Oh hey, I see where “The Ultimates” comes in now!
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF*****G JACKSON
Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these
motherf***ing snarks on this motherf*****g helicarrier! All of you,
prepare to immediately face an enemy that requires you to see past your
differences and work together!SAMUEL storms out, narrowly missing obstacles.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I don’t trust that guy. I think he wants to use the
Blue Cube to build a nuclear deterrent, which upsets me even though the
exact same argument was made against my suit in my last movie.CHRIS EVANS
Look, I know you don’t trust the government, but I
insist we follow the orders of our superiors. Unless they decide to
force superheroes to register with them, in which case you and I will
completely swap viewpoints.CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Well I trust them completely, I know they escorted
Natalie Portman to safety because they put her headshot on a monitor and
spent the time to explain why her contract negotiations fell through.ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
We’ll find out soon enough, I’ve set my phone to
automatically hack the top-secret government agency’s entire computer
network, which is supposed to make me look smart but in fact makes the
government look idiotic.SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You can do that? You’ve never hacked any actresses’ cellphones, have you?
Everyone continues BICKERING so SCARLETT JOHANSSON goes to interrogate TOM HIDDLESTON.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Tom, I’m here to manipulate you into revealing your
purpose on this ship, which I will do by unloading tons of
apparently-true backstory about myself.TOM HIDDLESTON
Do you divulge this much information to all your enemies? For a veteran spy, you’re pretty green.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Green? You fool, you’ve given everything away, I know you came here to unleash Mark Ruffalo’s alter ego!
TOM HIDDLESTON
You realize that Mark Ruffalo was literally the only thing I talked about to Sam Jackson, right?
AUDIENCE
*Facepalm* IKR?
Suddenly, JEREMY RENNER attacks and MARK RUFFALO turns
into GREEN MARK RUFFALO. CHRIS HEMSWORTH fights him while SCARLETT
shits her UNITARD.ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I need to go manually fix the engines of this
helicarrier so we don’t all die! Evans, demonstrate your value to the
team by pulling a red lever when I ask, and occasionally shooting bad
guys with the same gun that any old dipshit can use!CHRIS EVANS
So I guess Joss Whedon kind of hates Captain America, huh?
AUDIENCE
You guess?
GREEN MARK RUFFALO f**ks everything royally UP. Meanwhile, TOM HIDDLESTON escapes!
TOM HIDDLESTON
Mwa-ha-ha! At last, I have unleashed a force powerful enough to stop me! Mine is the truly greatest mind in supervilliany!
CLARK GREGG
Not so fast, Tom. I’m going to use this weapon to st–
(stabbed)
TOM HIDDLESTON
Haw haw, you’ve been Whedoned!
CLARK GREGG
It’s alright, I still have a chance to exposit
precisely what narrative function my death serves: this will be of such
shocking emotional impact that it brings the entire team together.(dies)
TOM HIDDLESTON
I think you might have overinflated your importance, Agent Whatshisname.
Amazingly, he HAS NOT. TOM ESCAPES but SCARLETT punches JEREMY RENNER in the brain, which cures SCEPTRE MAGIC.
INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF*****G JACKSON delivers a
heartwarming speech about togetherness, the foundation of which is CLARK
GREGG’S mancrush on CHRIS EVANS.AUDIENCE
Mancrush? *Raise eyebrow and snort*
CHRIS EVANS
Well, now that someone has died due to our egomania
and tardiness, I feel like we can finally call ourselves the Avengers
and validate our namesake. Teamwork!ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
My Random Quip Generator got damaged in the last fight, so yeah, I’m in.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I shall assist, mainly because I’m stuck here on
Earth without the Blue Cube, but also, more importantly, because I’m
stuck here on Earth without the Blue Cube.SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You’re going to need a strong female character down
there. My boobs will hold her position open until she arrives, and I can
use my pistol which will be of absolutely no use whatsoever, I don’t
even know why I’m bringing it.JEREMY RENNER
And don’t worry everyone, Hawkeye is back, ready to shoot an arrow at something in case we run out of bullets!
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
TOM HIDDLESTON uses the BLUE CUBE to open a PORTAL to
ALIEN ROCK WORLD, unleashing tons of LIZARD MONSTER GUYS and a few GIANT
TURTLE ROBOT MONSTERS.TOM HIDDLESTON
Foolish mortals, I shall destroy all of your cars!
Everyone get out of the way, I don’t want you to get hurt when I explode
all of your cars!ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Something something avenge the world. Good, I think
that’s enough awkward sandwiching in of the word “Avengers” to justify
the title. Let’s do it!DOWNEY, HEMSWORTH, JOHANSSON, RUFFALO, RENNER, and
UNCONVINCING CGI CHRIS EVANS drop in and start killing the ALIENS, who
don’t resemble humans enough to earn an R rating.CHRIS EVANS
Alright guys, there’s no time for any of that boring character development nonsense, let’s get on with the asskickery!
MARK RUFFALO
Sweet, another 40 minutes of nonstop action, just like Transformers 3, except AWESOME amiright fellas?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Wait, nerds like this? It’s just another overlong
brainless action scene like in every other movie. Complete spectacle
over substance, same old formula.ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Oh come on, can’t you just turn your brain off for 2 hours and enjoy some entertainment?
JEREMY RENNER
What?! That’s exactly what people say about garbage
like Fast and Furious and Transformers before you nerds tell them
Michael Bay sodomized your childhoods! What the hell makes this any
different?MARK RUFFALO
JOSS WHEDON IS ONE OF US!
MARK, enraged, transforms into GREEN MARK!
GREEN MARK RUFFALO
GREEN MARK SUDDENLY CAPABLE OF DISTINGUISHING FRIENDS FROM FOES! RRRRRAGGGGGHHHHH!
The 6 HEROES pair up in all 15 POSSIBLE COMBINATIONS
to KICK ASS, slowly exhausting every SPECIAL MOVE from MARVEL: ULTIMATE
ALLIANCE 2.SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Stellan Skarsgard, your foreign-ness and scienceitude have doomed us all!
STELLAN SKARSGARD
Wait, Scarlett, in my hypnotic state I managed to build a thing into the thing, so you can close the portal!
AUDIENCE
WTF?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Not before I throw this nuclear missile through it and blow up the alien mothership!
AUDIENCE
DOUBLE WTF?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Since S.H.I.E.L.D.’s nuke is the very thing that
saves us, doesn’t this kind of invalidate your earlier criticism that
building weapons out of the Blue Cube would be reckless?ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Entirely, and it also makes you wonder why we didn’t
do it sooner to avoid destroying half the city fighting the aliens
one-on-one!The NUKE destroys the ALIEN MOTHERSHIP by exploding. In SPACE.
All of the INVADING REPTILE MONSTERS instantly DROP DEAD, because they’re also ROBOTS or SOMETHING.
INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. AIR BASE
THE AVENGERS win everything. REPORTERS allude to
possible sequel ideas and that GIRL FROM WHAT WOMEN WANT appears for 4
seconds to evaluate her career.Meanwhile, SAMUEL L. MOTHERF***ING JACKSON meets with a shadowy group of conspirators via satellite.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF***ING JACKSON
We won, gentlemen. What do you want me to do next,
considering I’m contractually obligated to wear this eyepatch like fifty
more times?SHADOWY POWERS BOOTHE
Well we kind of assumed we’d be the villains in the
sequel, but the credits stinger seems to indicate it’s Thanos. The guy
with the magical glove, really?SAMUEL L. MOTHERF***ING JACKSON
Yeah, we more or less pulled off the Skrulls, we can
pretty much do anything now. Even the Ms. Marvel pregnancy storyline is
on the table.SHADOWY POWERS BOOTHE
Well that just gravels my voice. By the way Sam, did you watch the movie in 2D or 3D? Ha ha!
The movie proceeds to make ALL OF THE MONEY, pretty much ensuring the creation of an unbelievably terrible JUSTICE LEAGUE movie.
END…
EDWARD NORTON
Fuck.
END
I edited a bit.
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