jaclcfrost:

vampires getting the urge to be intimate w/ their partners while feeding is so fucking funny to me… like imagine you’re just sitting there eating soup but getting REALLY into it? you just. want to fuck, b/c of the soup. want to fuck the soup

mosellegreen:

vampireapologist:

the funniest vampire bullshit will forever be some vampire lamenting having to kill while theyre actively killing and monologuing like “truly, I am the most hated creature in god’s narrowed eye, the new modern prometheus, my purpose an eternal question, my existence a curse. is there a single person, even a fleeting thought, that has ever spent a moment beneath the same moon as I while feeling this unique pain? Pity me, world, for no one now is as miserable as I”

and the dude literally bleeding to death in the vampire’s arms, they never get a line, but if they did, it would probably be “okay now hold up if this is a contest about who’s having the worse fucking night,”

You know, I love a lot of fiction that features this (i.e. Anne Rice), but now I can’t unsee it as a bunch of fucking manpain.

Of course, it makes a big difference if the fictional universe sees blood as food or blood as addiction. Anne Rice was an alcoholic and writing was kind of her replacement addiction. Her vampires can barely control their craving for blood, which is of course how addiction works. They can stay alive without drinking it but the desire is so strong they give in over and over, and they feel guilty for it and for going on living when they’re being destructive. All of which is classic addiction.

In a fictional universe where blood is vampire food, it’s like, portion control dude, you need to drink blood but if you’re killing people when you do it that’s on you.

vampireapologist:

the funniest vampire bullshit will forever be some vampire lamenting having to kill while theyre actively killing and monologuing like “truly, I am the most hated creature in god’s narrowed eye, the new modern prometheus, my purpose an eternal question, my existence a curse. is there a single person, even a fleeting thought, that has ever spent a moment beneath the same moon as I while feeling this unique pain? Pity me, world, for no one now is as miserable as I”

and the dude literally bleeding to death in the vampire’s arms, they never get a line, but if they did, it would probably be “okay now hold up if this is a contest about who’s having the worse fucking night,”

You know, I love a lot of fiction that features this (i.e. Anne Rice), but now I can’t unsee it as a bunch of fucking manpain.

stability:

vampire: *rips my collar back to bite my neck only to find I’m wearing 12 garlic-clove necklaces* 

vampire: how did you know? 

me: know what?

editorialhell:

An author just told me, “You know The Count on Sesame Street? He totally had untreated OCD – going around needing to count things properly out loud. Those poor bastards just made him worse by giving him all those numbers.”

What a brilliant revelation.

I just realized: folklore used to hold that if you scattered grains or something around, vampires would be compelled to count them and thus couldn’t escape or bite anybody until they were done. I doubt Sesame Street was referencing that deliberately but it’s neat.

vampireapologist:

simonalkenmayer:

systlin:

vampireapologist:

actually when I was in 8th grade and obsessed with twilight my master plan as a twilight vampire was to sit around in famous shipwrecks like the super deep ones where they can only send robots with cameras from their submarines and when they sent one down i’d be sitting there, pretending to drink out of an old tea cup you know for the drama of it all and the guys in the submarine would know what they saw and that it was real footage but who else would believe them? no one important.

but it didn’t stop there. at the next party they threw to celebrate one of their latest finds, some museum-y banquet idk I was 13, I was going to show up. I was going to show up and make eye contact with them one at a time from across the room and they were going to lose their goddamn minds and then before the volturi could catch wind i was gonna be back in the ocean. how could they find me?

the drama. the theatrics. i can’t believe i didn’t realize i was gay right then but that’s another story, also involving vampires,

This is the single best plan of all time

Molly Anne.

Come over for tea. 

This reads as a threat

ai-yo:

you: this generation wants to fuck vampires and shit, what happened to when vampires were scary?

me, an intellectual: vampire stories literally developed as a way to explore anxieties and fears around sex, you’re supposed to want to fuck them, that’s the point

me, a 15th century peasant: i wrote them about the plagues that cursed our village, do not assign your horny victorian vampire pamphlets to me